Monday, June 1, 2015

Did you hear about the guy who had lettuce growing out of his ear? He went to his doctor and his doctor said, "That's quite a problem you have there with that lettuce growing out of your ear, and the guy with the lettuce growing out of his ear replied, "Doc, and this is only the tip of the iceberg."

Another guy went to the doctor with mashed potatoes in his ear. The doctor looked at him and said, “You’re not eating right.”

Did you hear what you have in your eye when you have a bee in your hand?
You have beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

A duck goes into a mini mart and says to the clerk, "I'd like some chapstick and put it on my bill please.

Have you heard what goes ha, ha, thud?
Somebody laughing their head off.

What's red and yellow, blue and green, and no one can touch it not the king nor the queen?
A rainbow.

Did you hear that Santa's been looking at some Antarctic property lately?
It seems he's bipolar.

A goldfish goes into a convenience store and when the clerk asks him "What'll you have?" the goldfish says,"WATER!"

A guy goes into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any helicopter-flavored chips?" and the clerk replies, "Sorry, we only have plain."

An amnesiac goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come in here often?"

Did you hear that they've determined that tigers and zebras have stripes so they won't be spotted.

Did you hear about the two bullets that got married, so they could have a B.B.?
Yeah, it was a shotgun wedding.

And speaking of interesting liaisons: did you might have heard about the two satellite dishes that got married? The wedding 'ceremony' was O.K., but the 'reception' was stellar.

Did you hear what the phone did for its sweetie on Valentine's Day?
It gave her a ring. (Dan Brewer)

Did you hear that Smokey the Bear is taking an early retirement, because he was getting a bit burned out?
(From the Great Book of Zany Jokes by Matt Rissinger & Philip Yates)

Did you hear that anthropologists have been studying the ancient cave people and have determined what the cavepoeple had for lunch every day?
Club sandwiches (Great Book of Zany Jokes)

And speaking of chickens, did you happen to hear why the chicken went to the seance?
To get to the other side. (too long ago to remember))

Did you hear how much pirates are paying to have their ears pierced lately.

Did you hear why the lifeguard couldn't save the hippie?
He was too far out.(Library patron)

Did you hear about the hipster who died when he jumped into a volcano before it was cool.
Very embarrassing.

Did you hear about the two snails that got in a fight? They were really slugging it out. (Dan Brewer)

An Irishman is walking down the street and he spots a construction site, so he goes over to a guy who looks like he might be the foreman, and the Irishman asks him, "You be need'n a carpenter?" The foreman looks at him suspiciously and says, "So you're a carpenter? I doubt if you know the difference between a girder and a joist?" The Irishman replies, "That's easy. Goethe, he wrote Faust and Joyce, he wrote Ulysses." (Sue Moon)

Did you hear what one mountain said to the other mountain after an earthquake?
"Hey, it's not my fault!" (Library Patron)

Teenager to parent: "So I blame everything on you, and whose fault is that?"(Library patron)

Did you hear that on the savannas of Africa the gazelles are not playing many card games lately.
Too many Cheetahs. (Library Patrons)

Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
They want to give him a no-bell prize. (Dan Brewer)

Did you hear what you get when you cross an abalone and a crocodile?
A Crock of baloney. (3650 Jokes - a book)

Did you hear why all the hippies moved to southern Humboldt County.
They heard there were no jobs there. (Library Patron)

(With apologies to Dean Martin)
When you swim in the sea,
and an eel bites your knee.
That's a mor-ay! (Internet)

Did I tell you about the new Origami store? "No" That's probably because it's already folded.......It was in the paper.
Worded this way, if you've told them this joke before, or they heard it somewhere else, they can deliver the punchline for you and then you can add, "Yes, it was in the paper." (Unknown joke book, the last line is mine.)

Did you hear about the guy who thought he was a moth? He went to a doctor for help with it. He explained to the doctor that he couldn't shake the feeling that he was really a moth. The doctor listened to him carefully and then explained that he was a general practitioner and that the doctor felt he needed to refer the man who thought he was a moth to a psychiatrist. The man who thought he was a moth replied, I know you're a General practitioner, because I saw your sign on your door, but it's just that.... your light was on. (Contributed by Paul who heard it on the radio from an Irish singer/comedian)

Have you heard what you can give to someone who has everything?
Broad spectrum antibiotics.

Of all the prestigious schools Sherlock Holmes attended which one was his favorite?
Elementary, my dear Watson.

I tried to go to the stationery store yesterday, but it had moved.

Have you heard that scientists have established conclusively how amoebas communicate?
Cell phones. (Internet)

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to tap dancing?
Well, he's doing a lot better now that he's found a twelve step program.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? Yeah, it was in-tents.
Then it moved to the shoe factory and a thousand soles were lost, and finally it got personal and attacked our garden - the Swiss was chard.

What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested lemon pudding. (Now, this is a real litmus test. Some people will really appreciated the quirkiness of this joke, while some others will doubt the sanity of someone who will tell them a joke like this. Tell this joke to people who you feel will appreciate its quirkiness, unless you don't mind having your sanity or your sense of good taste seriously questioned.)

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish! (This is almost as esoteric as the shark infested lemon pudding.)

Did you hear the one about the joke that has no punchline?
Da, Dah!

I have a joke for you. It's a psychic joke.
Stare at the person silently and knowingly.
I thought you'd get it.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ( e.e. cummings)

He who laughs, lasts. (Leo Rosten)

Humor is by far the most significant behavior of the human brain. (Debono)

If you want to succeed, double your rate of failure. (Internet)

When humor goes, there goes civilization. (Erma Bombeck)

I think the best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. (Frank A. Clark)

They laughed when I said I wanted to become a comedian, but nobody's laughing now.(Internet)

The great comics and comedians who dared to mix comedy with tragedy. (Charlie Chaplin)

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else. (Will Rogers)

Humor has to come in under cover of darkness in disguise and surprise people. (Garrison Keillor)

Laughter – the shortest distance between two people.  Victor Borge

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